My daughter and I were talking this week about how our bodies are temples. We talked about all the ways to stay healthy. It was easy to say to her how important it is to “eat healthy” and “exercise” and not fill ourselves with “junk”. Yet, in the pit of my stomach, I felt sick. I so badly want to set a good example for her, but when it comes to this topic, I am an utter failure lately. (And no, I’m not just being hard on myself.)
You see, I am struggling with disobedience when it comes to food. The truth is, I’ve been struggling for a long time. I know what is right. I have even led a women’s study on the topic of turning to God, not food. I sit down and make meal plans for healthy eating. But I have this habit of not following through. No, that doesn’t describe it well enough. When it comes to my eating habits, I become like a rebellious teenager, doing the exact opposite of what I should. I’m led by my feelings and that temporary sense of comfort, regardless of the repercussions
“LeAnna, eat healthy.”
I eat chocolate. Or ice cream. Or cake.
“LeAnna, cook something healthy.”
I cook the tuna pasta with like 1,000 calories, knowing it is my go-to comfort food, but also knowing it is really not good for me–and nowhere on my meal plan.
I don’t know why I do this. Is it an attempt to be in control? Is it a food addiction? Am I just not strong enough to resist temptation? I don’t know.
Today, after I cooked said pasta, I sat down at the table to work on some insurance business. In my pile of papers were notes I took on a sermon weeks ago. There on the paper, staring at me, was that word– impulse. I even had written down “appetites unmanaged lead to trouble.” Now, there are a number of appetites this could be referring to, but in that moment…I knew God was telling me that my bad eating is out of control.
It is even more critical, now, that I get my eating on a healthy level because I am unable to exercise due to my physical limitations. I sit here feeling like things will never change–that I just don’t have it in me to lose the weight. (Did I mention I need to lose about 70 pounds?) But I really do have to try.
It is somewhat embarrassing writing this here, but I feel like I need to put it out in the open and be real with myself. I can’t keep on like this. I cry to my husband about it, and then I don’t take the steps to change it. Something has to give. Please pray I can do better…that I can follow through…
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me…
If I can make it through painful, serious surgery, I can do this.
I have to do this.
Now, to rewatch that sermon on impulse.